|The Republic of Lucastan
Report of the Central Bank Commission
To: The Grand Panjandrum
From: The Lucastan Central Bank Commission
Subject: Proposals for the Lucastani Treasury
As required by the expanding treasury of the Republic of Lucastan, a Commission was formed to evaluate the monetary requirements of the Republic. Recently the following assets have been acquired by the Treasury:
$14.00 in Confederate bills
A genuine Canadian nickel
A $2.00 Susan B Anthony US coin
A hoard of Monopoly money
Considerably decorative wallpaper stock certificates from defunct dot coms
A 1000 mil Cruzieros note from Brazil
A (made in Japan yet) $10,000 Hell Bank Note
Some expired bonus dollar coupons for "Star Factory Outlet"
A genuine wooden nickel.
1953 "Tien Gulden" note from Nederlandsche Bank, Amsterdam.
Treasury Update 4/20/2003
"Moe" al-Sahaf, our new Minister of Information, has contributed 785,820,000 Iraqi dinars to the Treasury. Perhaps we can find a birdcage that needs a fresh liner.
Treasury Update 1/9/2003
From: The Grand Panjandrum
To all Ministers: Herewith a listing, in no partcular order, of the contents of the Lucastan Tin-Can Treasury as of this date:
One dollar Confederate States of America - 1862
Five dollar billl " " " " - 1864
10,000 Reichsbanks, Weiner Republic - 1922
10 Ruble note, USSR - 1957
1000 mil Cruzieros note - Brazil (undated)
Tien Gulden note de Nederlandsche Bank - 1953
Five Dollar bill frok the Bank of Zimbabwe - 2001
$10,000 Hell Bank Note - Japan
A mock $1,000,000 USA banknote -2000
A $3.00 bill from The Feminist State of America
(Hillary Clinton on one side, The White House with a Realtor' sign on the obverse) Not dated.
A rich assorment of frayed Monopoly money
1 "Get out of Jail" card. 1 "Go to Jail, Do not pass Go" card
2 $10 coupon Funny Money from the New Yorker Mag.
$25 in bonus dollars from Six Star Factory Outlet (wherever that is)
2 French postcards from the New Hebrides (but no bare breasts)
1 Coupon for a free box of BARF detergent - Turkenistan
A Genuine wooden nickle (Conn)
A wooden dollar good for a defunct Notary on NYC's 42nd St.
Assorted low value coins, pfennigs, etc from Aruba, Somalia,
Canada, Phillipines, Argentine, Mexico
A unique OPA 5 Blue Ration Points coin from WW-2
" " " 10 Red " " " " "
(the above used to make change for higher vaaue ration coupons)
1 genuine Brass tie-tack denoting Enclcopedia Britannica ownership.
Assorted wallpaper stock cerificataes from defunct dot coms
(but not Enron!) plus maxed out/expired old Visa & Masterards.
In addition, several trillion Dinars have suspiciously come our way:
Therefore, the Commission proposes that a National Depository be created to preserve, protect, defend and ignore these dubious assets.
Through extensive research, and more than a few tequila shots, the Commission has identified some of the world standards for such a depository. Among existing treasury agencies and central banks, many shortcomings were found. For example, the United States of America has been known to actually have money and even policies to deal with it. However their methods are expensive, convoluted and really not much fun.
Fort Knox, The U.S. Bullion Depository
Big and ugly, requires hundreds of soldiers and treasury agents to guard it.
Federal Reserve Bank, NY
Full of New Yorkers.
Therefore, the Commission proposes a more practical asset depository based on the tried and true FRP (Footwear Repository Procedures)
The stern warnings should deter terrorist threats and curious children. The National Depository will be safely situated behind some motor oil in an undisclosed New Jersey garage.
Precious Metal Standards
As a Central Bank, Lucastan will maintain a precious metal reserve to assure the viability of our national economy. Traditionally central banks have used gold as a monetary standard. However, the Commission feels this is a mistake. Gold is heavy and way too expensive. More tequila shots have yielded a brilliant alternative: Tin. Some experts may scoff at this choice as an asset medium but consider reality. Tin has become quite rare. "Tin" cans are now made of steel. "Tin" foil is really aluminum. When was the last time you saw any tin? Chances are you see gold far more often than tin. The secret will soon revealed, tin is the asset of the future.
Being the only nation using tin as a monetary asset will guarantee that Lucastan will not fall victim to the collapse of gold. Gold has been the precious metal of choice for over 8000 years, so its time is running out.
We hope these proposals meet with your approval.