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Rufus T. Firefly, B.S., Q.e.D
Chancellor
Dr. Firefly is the founding chancellor of the University in addition to being the custodian of the 2d floor wastebaskets.  His long career in education includes the creation of the first all dwarf beauty school. 

Allerga T. Katz, B.Sc., D.V.M
Professor of Applied Animal Testing
Professor Katz has been a driving force in the innovative and unethical use of furry cartoon characters to advance the toxicological study of Acme products.    Author of The Equine Paradox: Why There Are More Horses' Asses in the World Than There Are Horses.

Cybil Wrights, A.B., C.D., Ef.G.
Professor of Nothing
Prof. Wrights is an internationally recognized scholar and Master of her Domain. Director of the Van Nostrand Institute of Advanced Studies, which specializes in research into why women are attracted to Kramer's jacket, whether soup is a meal, shrinkage, spongeworthiness, junior mints, coma etiquette, gifting and regifting protocol, ancient Festivus rituals, yada, yada, yada.

I. P. Dailey, B.M., M.L.B, Ph.K
Professor Emeritus of Lawn Art
Dr. Dailey has pioneered the use of advanced material science in the development of new and better lawn ornaments.  He received the Nobel Prize in Schlock for his 1981 invention of the carbon fiber garden gnome.

Daniel Day Dubious, B.O., B.V.D.
Professor of Computer Mythology
Professor Dubious is best know for his theories on the use of Spam as the semiconductor substrate of computer chips.  His first Spamtium processor performed over 4 instructions per hour and made a nice snack at lunchtime.