Well, to the great
disappointment of all the citizens of Lucastan, the Y2K bug did not bring society to its
knees. However, with Hillary Clinton in the Senate and another 1200 "dot
Com" companies going under this year, anything can happen! Since we have many
former Scouts among us, we should always BE PREPARED!
The Basics
Food, clothing and shelter are our basic needs. Since Y2K should not cause your
consulate to collapse or your cloths to stop fitting you, food supplies will be
required. Here is all we will really need:
The preferred Lucastani method is, of course, to dunk your Twinkies in Jim Beam before
eating them.
Communications
All the Lucastani consulates will need to stay in touch to maximize our rise in the New
World Order. These practical long distance Information Transfer Servers will not
only get the message through but make a tasty meal when the Twinkies run out:
Security
All Lucastani citizens must protect themselves from the panic stricken mob. The
Ministry of Defense has specified the Gun, Band, Rubber - Mark 1 (MIL-6SJ7GT) as the
official weapon of choice.
This formidable weapon will fight off any small children trying to steal our Twinkie or
condom supplies. It also has the advantage that all ammunition is re-usable.
Computing
Since all electronic computing devices will be nothing more than doorstops after Jan.
1, the Bureau of Standards and Technology has decided that the slide rule will be
the only computing device we will need.
The obvious choice is the Keuffel & Esser Log Log Duplex Decitrig. Lucastani
citizens may be eating cold beans out of a can, by candlelight, but we will all be able to
compute hyperbolic cosines and cube roots without electricity! The Minister of
Technology promises that many fun filled hours (or days) will be enjoyed while he teaches
everyone how to use it.
Special Needs
Given the extraordinary potential for physical and psychological health threats,
special tools will be required to assure our survival.
A geiger counter will guarantee that no other nuclear power is waging radiological
warfare on Lucastan by smuggling in plutonium laced Twinkies. Condoms will assure
that Humanity will not be repopulated before the production of disposal diapers is
resumed. One note: the ration of condoms must be strictly limited to 5 per
person, per day. This is, after all, a crisis and sacrifices will have to be made.
Culture
Well, we are snug in our consulates, messages are on the wing to our compatriots.
The bourbon is flowing, the condoms are unrolling and the cosines are plentiful.
Time for some musical entertainment. Since CDs are now better as Frisbees, we
must make music the old fashioned way:
The Ministry of Cultural Purity has determined that Tom Lehrer songs accompanied on the
kazoo is all the entertainment we deserve.
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